Between Love and Insanity
by RedSharkBait
Summary: Helen Cutter is insane, but Nick can no longer hold that against her. Nick's thoughts during Season 3 Episode 3, spoilers for that episode.


Between Love and Insanity

Helen had never been one to take life lying down. As long as Nick had known her, she had always felt the need to intervene, to fight for what she believed. It was one of the things that attracted him to her in the first place, but there were times when he saw the darker side of her interventions.

"Give me your wallets!" The youth had demanded, waving his gun in their faces like it was a trophy. He was one of those arrogant, selfish gang-member types who believed owning a gun and hurting people made him a man. Nick felt the nearly irresistible urge to strangle the miscreant, but the gun and his common sense held him back. Helen would have none of that.

"Just give it to him, Helen. It's not worth it."

"Yeah, he's right. Just give it to me." The mugger agreed. His voice was syrupy with arrogance and sarcasm. Helen glanced at Nick and then back to the youth. She looked him straight in the eye and said two small words.

"Bite me."

"Helen…" Nick said, but it was too late. His wife lunged, knocked the gun to the side and struck their attacker in the face. But the smarmy jerk recovered and retaliated with another punch, and then shot her. She clutched her midsection and fell to the ground, blood flowing between her fingers as she groaned and crumpled. Nick couldn't take it anymore and proceeded to thrash the living daylights out of the mugger. He threw the gun away and kicked the now unconscious youth out of pure spite before kneeling beside Helen and putting his arms around her.

"Nick…" she mumbled.

"That was _really_ stupid, Helen."

"I'm sorry…" She said quietly.

"Don't be. You'll be alright. I'm calling an ambulance, its okay…you'll be fine…" his voice trailed off as she lost consciousness and he had the sickening feeling that he'd lost her.

He hadn't, as it turned out, lost her. The ambulance had arrived with plenty of time to spare, and after two uneventful days in the hospital, they had let him take her home.

"How are you feeling?" He asked as they half sat, half lay on the couch, his arms around her shoulders and her soft hair tickling his face.

"Sleepy." She said with a yawn. "And I'm quite sore." She sighed, a sound of comfort and pain mixed with sorrow and anger, a sound he knew well.

"That's what happens when you get shot, Helen."

"I know. But I couldn't just stand there."

"And why not? People matter, Helen. Not things, not money, _people_."

"I couldn't bear the thought that some punk with a gun was stronger than the two of us. It might have been crazy, but…"

"It was _insane_, Helen!" He said, louder than he'd intended. There was silence for a moment, and then she'd replied,

"You think I'm insane, Nick?"

"Yes, Helen, I do." He teased. "But I love you anyways."

"You sure?"

"Trust me. There's a fine line between love and insanity, but I know which side we're on."

"Insanity." She had said. He had laughed at her joke, but it certainly wasn't funny now. Now, more than ten years later, they were facing a situation that mirrored their mugging. Only this time, Helen had the gun, and she was aiming it straight at Nick's heart. He had tried to reason with her, but it was no use. She'd pulled the trigger and he knew that for the second time in his life, his worst nightmare was coming true. And this time there was no going back, no anomaly in time that would bring Helen back to him the way she had been when he loved her, once upon a time.

The bullet tore into his body and his legs refused to work any longer. He staggered against the wall, and moments later she had been there, with her arms around him, gently lowering him to the ground and whispering sweet nothings in his ear. They had lifted his spirits so many times before, but now those sweet nothings fell upon an empty heart.

Helen turned Nick's head to face her, and he saw that her face was streaked in tears. "I didn't want to, Nick."

"Then why _did you_?" He said. It came out as a sob between his teeth.

"Because, don't you remember? I can't…I can't just _stand there_ when…when I have to finish the job."

"You've killed me."

"I've…I've saved you. I know what it would have done to you, knowing it was your fault that those predators…"

"Shut up!" He snapped. "I thought you knew me better, Helen."

"Same to you, Nick. Goodbye."

"No…no, you can't…don't leave me. Not again."

"I'm sorry, Nick. I'll always love you." She kissed him, and he tried with all his might to resist kissing her back, but he couldn't help it. They'd gone far, far past the point where he could even consider fighting her insanity. Helen truly believed that she loved him, but it didn't stop her from pulling away from him as he bled to death, and it hadn't stopped her from killing him. She was broken, and he wished that he could fix her, but it was over. He watched her walk away through the smoky corridor and tried to find the strength to say he loved her too. But the words wouldn't come. She had ruined him, and the saddest part of all was that she had thought she was doing him a favor. It had ripped her heart apart to pull the trigger – that much he knew.

Nick crawled and dragged himself towards the artifact once Helen was gone. He held it tight against him as he heard Connor approaching. It had to be Connor, that loyal, brilliant halfwit. He had just enough courage to run into a burning building, and just enough stupidity to keep going. If anyone could figure out the artifact, it would be Connor. Nick pushed his thoughts of Helen away – they hurt far too much to bear – and focused on staying alive long enough to tell Connor to decipher the artifact.

As he waited, he thought of his team, his friends…poor Stephen, once his most loyal compatriot, had fallen victim to Helen's twisted seduction and had boldly sacrificed himself to save Nick and Helen. Maybe he thought it would atone for the mistakes he'd made with Helen, or maybe he was just that heroic. Whatever the case, he was gone but not forgotten.

There was Abby – sweet, lovable, spirited Abby. From the day he'd met her, Nick had loved Abby like a daughter, and it saddened him greatly that he'd probably never look into those vibrant eyes or see that intelligent smile again. He knew she would go on to do great things, and hoped he had in some small part helped her on her way. The fact that she loved Connor was clear, and he would need her to look after him, to make him happy, and to protect him from himself.

Nick couldn't help but smile when he thought of Lester, even though they hated each other with a passion. It sometimes took hating someone to understand them, and Nick and Lester were a lot more alike than either of them would care to admit. _Lester probably wishes he'd pulled the trigger_, Nick mused, and the thought made him laugh, but that hurt too much so he stopped and told himself it wasn't true, that Lester was actually a better person than that. As much as he hated to admit it and never would have under normal circumstances, Lester was the best boss the team could hope for.

Nick thought of one more person as he collapsed against Connor's shoulder, someone who no longer existed and in all probability never would. Claudia Brown was the one person he'd felt closest to after Helen had left and betrayed him, and what hurt the most about his death was that he'd never see Claudia again. Sure, Jenny Lewis was out there…but as much as he wanted her to be, she'd never truly be Claudia. It was Claudia's name that was the last on his lips, and her face was the last he saw as he closed his eyes and drifted away.


End file.
